I've Never Lost Weight in a Healthy Manner

When I lost weight for the first time between sophomore and junior year of high school, I was anorexic. I wouldn’t eat breakfast, I’d eat lunch at school then I wouldn’t eat when I was home. This is when I became friends on Facebook with other gay kids around my age and saw them with abs and flat stomachs. I thought, in order for someone to love me, I’d have to be skinny.

During the end of my junior year, I started eating again and started to gain some weight and had the same thought pattern that drove me to anorexia in the first place. Solace for me came during my senior year when I had to get my tonsils removed and wasn’t able to eat much of anything for almost a month. I lost 20 pounds during this time and it was “amazing” for 17 year old me. 

That only stayed for so long because I started eating again. When I was 18, I moved out and started drinking, and that made me gain weight because I would drink to excess.

January 2013 was an interesting month for me. My friend Alex had just died and my friend group collapsed. I also got injured and felt sick almost every day. Because of this, I wouldn’t eat. Then when I felt better, I still wouldn’t eat. This is when iCandy had the 18 and up night. I saw all the skinny gays getting attention and I craved that so badly. For the next 3 years I would binge and purge. I would also go to the gym a lot. Do excess cardio because I felt like if I didn’t, no one would love me. 

By the end of 2015, my bi polar started to kick in to high gear. I had a bad break up with someone that I had only been dating for a month, but because of the hypo mania that ensconced my brain at the time, it felt like years. Little did I know, that a break up was just what my bi polar needed to really set flame to a spark.

In early 2016, I would stop going to the gym, but I would continue to purge if I overate. By 2017, I gained weight back and moved to LA where everyone was supposed to be perfect. This depressed me more and I would binge eat because of how lonely I felt. This is also when I had meth given to me for the first time. It felt euphoric and me, untouchable. I didn’t eat for 2 days because of the affects of the drug, but I didn’t do it again for some time.

By Spring 2018, I had gained more weight than I ever had and I was back in the Philly area. I had also found meth again. It started slowly progressing into a daily dose of crystals by Autumn 2018 and I loved it. I didn’t have to eat. I was losing weight at a rapid pace. It only took a month for me to lose 20 pounds again and soon I was at an unhealthy weight of between 135 and 140. 

In January 2020, I went to rehab. While being there, I learned healthy coping mechanisms, which are hard to start. It takes time to learn and to my brain, which had just been on speed for almost 2 years, it was hard to focus. 

In March 2020, I went back to work, but soon left because of Covid. While in quarantine, there wasn’t much to do other than eat, sleep, and watch tv. My body coming off meth tried to gain as much fat and nutrients that it possibly could and I started gaining weight again.

It is now April 2021 and I’m still struggling on ways to maintain a healthy lifestyle because all I’ve known are unhealthy coping mechanisms and get skinny quick schemes. I still have days where I don’t eat much at all and then days where I eat everything, but I’m trying to learn balance. I’m looking for a new therapist to help me understand certain aspects of my personality that make me think it’s alright to do some of the things I do and I have a new psychiatrist to hopefully get me more stable in my mood. 

All in all, writing this down has helped me connect some dots and hopefully move into a brighter, healthier future.